From Laughter to Silence! Southeast Missouri Mother Shares Heartbreaking Story of Son’s Suicide

A mother from southeast Missouri tells her tale four years after losing her son to suicide. This occurs when local counseling centers provide new information regarding school-related crises and where parents may get help.

Tamatha Crowson says if her son could hear her now, she would tell him “how much I love him and how proud I was of him and still am.”

Crowson tells anecdotes about her pre-school-aged son Blake, who is humorous and extremely intelligent. She describes him as a brilliant thinker and skilled percussionist.

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“His soul consisted of drumsticks. “I believe that was his passion,” she explained. “He began in seventh grade and continued through high school, where he excelled. Blake’s band teacher told me via email in his seventh or eighth school year that he had the potential to be the best percussionist to graduate from Cape Central High School. “And he had been teaching for 17 years.”

She describes him as compassionate, with a huge heart, driven, responsible, and well-regarded. Blake was 18 years old and had everything going for him when he committed suicide, according to her. “There was nothing that made me believe he was at risk,” she stated. “It was a real shock and mystery.”

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He had completed his senior year, was about to graduate, and had been offered a full-ride scholarship to Southeast Missouri State University, all of which coincided with the start of the COVID pandemic.

“He had been marching with a drum corps,” she said. “Very elaborate and detailed; large audition and competition. He had marched with one company in the summer, followed by another, and then the corps canceled their season, which had a significant impact on him. COVID definitely affected him, and he felt isolated.”

She said he complained about having difficulties sleeping and eating, but any long-term indicators Blake was struggling with were subtle.

“He was starting to become distracted,” Crowson said. “He was forgetful. I was constantly having to remind him of stuff. It was frustrating for me because I knew he was capable of so much more, but I had no idea what was happening. Looking back, I believe he was depressed and we missed it since he appeared to be fine.

She claims that a few days before his death, he had a text chat with his ex-girlfriend. He told her he was a terrible person and recounted how he had considered suicide.

Then she claims that minutes before his death, he texted his brother Evan. Blake told him he loved him and claimed he was the best brother ever, which caught Evan’s attention.

His ex claims to have texted him just moments earlier. He said, “You’re too late.”

Tamatha also claims he cleared up his room and bank account. All of his money was in his wallet.

“I can only think it was to make it easier for everyone,” Tamatha replied.

She remembers the last time she saw him.

“The last time I saw him he was leaving for work,” she continued. “He appeared fine. He worked at McDonald’s and said something like ‘I’ll see you later, Mom. ‘I love you. Evan is his brother. He arrived to me at 10 o’clock. ‘Mom, something is going on.’ We experienced life from all sides. He stated, ‘His automobile has been here for a few minutes and hasn’t moved.’ So I texted him and said, “Hey, this is Mom.” “Call me right now.”

They hurried out to look for him, but he had already left.

“I could feel my brain being harmed by the trauma,” stated Crowson. “To sit there and wait for someone to inform you that your child has died is the worst sensation in the world, and I couldn’t make time pass any faster. It’s been four years. I’m confused about it. It’s a difficult place to be, acknowledging and accepting that your child no longer exists.”

She believes a discussion on Instagram in the days preceding his suicide may have triggered him. He’d mentioned around six months ago that he was thinking about dying, but the idea she described was and still is bizarre.

“He was good at hiding,” Crowson explained. “I think some of the signs were almost nonexistent really.”

She believes she has learned that teenagers are delicate, and she communicates this message with other parents.

“I would recommend paying close attention to everything your youngster says. Even if you believe it is not on their radar or achievable,” she stated. “There is no such thing as overprevention. Honest interactions are required because I did not anticipate it. “Nobody did.”

Crowson credits her recovery to a strong support system and her desire to help others. She keeps active as a boot camp instructor and life counselor. She travels regularly and has a broad group of friends.

“There are still some days when I wonder how am I going to go through the rest of my life feeling like this and then that moment has become another moment and a day and then a year,” she stated. “People comment, ‘Wow, you’re really strong. I’m not sure how you do it.’ I answer, ‘It’s not strength. “You do not have a choice.”

She now finds serenity when looking at a tattoo inspired by one Blake drew and had on his hand. He requested the word “breathe,” which had tiny faults in the calligraphy.

“Just take a breath,” she said. “You don’t have to be perfect, but there’s beauty in the imperfect.”